It's been a while...

[Kitty Man]

I've been busy doing a lot, and now I've been stopped dead in my tracks. On top of trying to help Dustin set up a site, getting my own shit set up, figuring out what to do with TGZ, and living "real life", I've hit a speed bump. Well, a road block.

So the girl I've been completely in love with these past few months is with somebody now. Her and I haven't talked, but her myspace update said a lot

"Had the time of my life w/the new1 in my life :D I can't help but smile you make me so happy. This year I'll make myself happy if you care you'll let me"

The last statement is addressed to me. "If you care, you'll let me"

She told me a while back that "it's gone from having a good friend to having someone that constantly checks up on me and doesn't really want me to do things for myself and I always feel like I have to be in check" so I know it's to me.

I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore. It was only 9ish in the morning and I started drinking to try and forget, but it only enhanced how I felt. I've smoked about a pack and a half now.

I knew it was coming, but can't really prepare for something like this, you know?

"Unexpected feelings, I dont know what to do...."
"feelings growing, overpowering... I don't think I can ignore them."
"I guess I'll follow what I feel some1 is always going to be hurt. I just can't keep making everyone else but me happy as can be"

So the past week she's been thinking it over in her head and now she's basically saying "Fuck it" because the way I feel shouldn't stop her from doing what she wants. I can see that point of view. I "understand".

If I didn't feel like what I felt/did/said meant nothing before, I sure as shit do now. I served my purpose with her. It's done. It's over. I helped her through a lot of hardships and now she's on to other things. Not really "used" but just "used up". My feelings for her have gotten in the way of something else, so she just can't keep letting that be in her way. Can't make everybody happy all of the time, right?

It's sort of sad. She chose to not get with me because she wanted to keep being friends and not getting with me has caused it to happen anyway. I guess it's not undeserved or whatever. I fucked up the other day. In essence, disregarded what could have been an effect to her and she's doing the same to me. On a much grander scale, perhaps, but definitely the same thing.

I'm an all or nothing sort of guy and I wanted it all and she didn't want that, so I'm going to end up with nothing. Even with living in the same house, I will have nothing. I'm not sure what's going to happen from here on out. I wouldn't be surprised if she moved out. Or if I end up moving out. I'm not sure which guy she's with either. She could be with some guy from the valley or a guy from here. If it's the guy from here, I'll definitely be more upset later, but if it's the guy from there? Well, I wouldn't be surprised if she decides to move back down there. Just say, fuck it. I'm happy here. Up and leave. Give a half ass thanks and leave. Leaving me with nothing but pain, heartache, and an empty wallet.

I risked myself so much in doing what I could for her and now I'm once again just that "guy who likes her" and it's fucking destroyed me. I have no idea what to do with myself. Twice in the same year it's happened. I fall for somebody. Get close. We click. End up getting a place. She's with somebody by the end of the first month.

I poured my heart and soul to this girl, and her to me, but she doesn't need me. She has plenty of friends. I do too. I don't want a fucking friend though. I don't need another friend. I need somebody who will care about me and love me, and vice versa.

My life just isn't working out right now and I'm not at a road block that I don't know what to do with myself. I've lost any passion for anything. I stopped going to school. I spend all of my time working and then sitting around doing nothing. I've become a fucking bum. 2 heartbreaks is 2 too many. I'm now a broken man. I thought I knew what that meant, but now I do. I have no future at the moment. I have no plans in my future now except pay the rent. That's it. I feel like I lost any grasp I thought I had of who I was and who I was going to be. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I didn't think I had so much riding on so little. I went all in and lost.

I have brief "I'll be fine" feelings and then it all keeps hitting me like waves of the ocean. They go away and come crashing back until it goes away again. Over and over. I might end up going to see a shrink to see if they'd put me on anti-depressants. I know what I've said before about them and all, but maybe it might be my only option. Numb myself from any sort of feeling. I can't just feel pain and heartache anymore. I've done that my entire life. As I've said before, if I was talented, I could maybe make music and get famous, but I'm not, so I just because a loser who can't ever be with the ones he loves. Random chicks I don't care about? Easy. Ones I form genuine feelings for? Never.

Just wanted you guys to be updated on my life. Can't really post a blog or tweet about it since people that I wouldn't want to read it would be there. With the myspace activity stream bullshit, people have been trolling my shit. I don't like that.

[Dillon]

Adrian, I know how you're feeling, and I have to tell you that you can't just stop doing anything. You have to keep going with your school until you can finish, that should be the most important thing to you now. I said this same thing to Dustin a while back. Just don't give up.

[PeNGuiN]

1. Thing is that you think its the end of your social life and that you wont be able to find someone. Well it took me till i was 23 to find my girl and even with that it was sketchy for a long time due to my part. And also i have alot of friends that haven't gotten to a commited state. I know when i was younger i had the same aspirations to find someone cause it seems like if you dont you gonna be lonely for the rest of your life. But the fact is your not. And u will find someone and you will be Happy. So Chill out and stop wasting your time into these relationships that you want so dearly. I bet 10/1 that if you focus on yourself and your life that it will fall into place. Cause once you stop looking it will look for you.

2. Dont take anti-depressants cause your gonna kill yourself. They make your thought process alot worse when something bad happens and reading the way you right i dont think you will be able to handle it.

3. like I said before. Worry about yourself. I think i know how you are, cause i believe i am sort of the same person. I like to do nice things for people. Go out and pay for things and take care of this and take care of that. Well there are limits on that and i think u need to learn them and follow them so your not leaving yourself short. For this to happen twice seems to me that your going beyond what your suppose to be doing cause of you being so " nice " that your getting played. U need to reevaluate how your role in the relationship is and make it more of a 50/50 cause im sure they way you are your probably a 80/20. If u ever need to talk hit me up. Cause ur starting to be like Hav0k. This is the same shit that drove his self esteem down. and you know where that took him. I have alot of advice so u need to contact me and we can talk about this.

[Kitty Man]

I know I won't handle anti depressants. I stop myself from suicide a lot and if I was on them, I know I wouldn't stop myself. I would go all of the way.

It's why me and havok clicked. we had the same problems. I miss him.. I do wish it had been me instead of him.

[Kitty Man]

I don't have limits. That's my problem. I'm persistent. I'm stubborn. I'm an asshole. I've become bitter over the course of my life. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm considering doing something drastic. Maybe see if Nick and Anna will let me move in with them.

It's a year lease on the house and it's only been a month (exactly like Erica) and I need to get away. Might look for another job soon. Just to not work with her anymore. Not here about anything anymore. Move on. Then save up money and just leave. There's nothing for me here.

[Homiko]

I agree with penguin 100%.

stop whining and chasing after people. Focus on YOU for awhile.

[tehstucky]

I know I won't handle anti depressants. I stop myself from suicide a lot and if I was on them, I know I wouldn't stop myself. I would go all of the way.

It's why me and havok clicked. we had the same problems. I miss him.. I do wish it had been me instead of him.

what happened to havok?

[Kitty Man]

what happened to havok?

He went into a diabetic coma and was declared brain dead. Then they pulled the plug.

Before that though, he was after this girl named Sarah. Took her to florida if I'm not mistaken. Spent a lot of money on her. He was after her the way I always am after girls. He and I were the same in that respect. We knew what/who we wanted and became a bit too focused on it. Invested time, money, and emotion into it even if there was little chance it would go anywhere despite how we felt that it would be something that could be real and last. etcetc

[PeNGuiN]

he went into his coma, cause he couldnt cope with the stress so he would binge drink even though it would jack up his glucose levels. It was a death that was seen coming. And i told him time and time again. it caught up with him.

[tehstucky]

... i've been gone longer than i thought.




what the hell is with you men killing yourselves over stupid bitches like us?

[Kitty Man]

I told him quite a bit to settle down the drinking. I get going out and drinking a bit, but the binge drinking was too much.

[tehstucky]

yeah its just a shame really that once you're gone... you're gone! and there aint no coming back to see that the person you took your own life for... either turns out to be an even bigger waste of space and/or has totally forgotten all about the fact that someone did that over you, before.

i doubt the girl my brother killed himself over even thinks about him anymore except for the 2 times we've come across each other in a store or something. other than that... she's got a kid and a boyfriend and acts like she always has... like nothing ever happened. so now i have no brother... and for what? not that i want her to be depressed all her life... but at least apologize to the family even though it's NOT her fault... that would still be the right thing to do to show that you give a fuck.

i hate suicide.

it's fuckin gay.

it must be the activist in me cuz i can't see myself letting something or someone take me down like that. i just love a good fight too much.

[Homiko]

Suicide does suck. Its the cheap and easy way out...

People can think its hard to die all they want, but the hardest thing of all is just to live.

[zgodsill200]

yeah its just a shame really that once you're gone... you're gone! and there aint no coming back to see that the person you took your own life for... either turns out to be an even bigger waste of space and/or has totally forgotten all about the fact that someone did that over you, before.

i doubt the girl my brother killed himself over even thinks about him anymore except for the 2 times we've come across each other in a store or something. other than that... she's got a kid and a boyfriend and acts like she always has... like nothing ever happened. so now i have no brother... and for what? not that i want her to be depressed all her life... but at least apologize to the family even though it's NOT her fault... that would still be the right thing to do to show that you give a fuck.

i hate suicide.

it's fuckin gay.

it must be the activist in me cuz i can't see myself letting something or someone take me down like that. i just love a good fight too much.

Agreed. Fucking retarded.

[Kitty Man]

I like talking on here because the people I know in "Real life" don't come on here. I'm sure if I put this up somewhere, I'd have a fucking TON of stupid shit from people. >.<

[EZE]

I like talking on here because the people I know in "Real life" don't come on here. I'm sure if I put this up somewhere, I'd have a fucking TON of stupid shit from people. >.<
Why not just make this site it's own social network that avoids talking to real friends rather than game news.

[William Hildebrand]

Why not just make this site it's own social network that avoids talking to real friends rather than game news.

You can do that and have a little section for game news.

[Homiko]

-.-

[tehstucky]

ok!

therapy time!

i got just the thing to make you forget about ALL of it like it never even happened... even if for just a second. now keep in mind you're my friend and i'm only trying to help... if a soldier's down... it's up to me to pick him back up. well get up, brave little soldier... you can DO it! if you don't... i'll just have to keep posting more and more until you get mega happy and be like... "THANKS Stucky! You're the greatest!" :D

[tehstucky]

damnit! how do i post a youtube video? lol

[Homiko]

Hmm... try using the embed code?

[tehstucky]

didnt work

oh well... the fun in me is gone now lol.

[Kitty Man]

So... she called me today. Out of the blue. Just, called.

I've made an honest effort to not talk to her since she's been down in the valley. Just to begin that separation I need from her. Especially now that this has happened and depressed me, I really don't want to get a hold of her.

But she called me... and I answered it. She asked how I was doing, etc etc. I asked the obvious "So what's new with you?" and got a complete lie. So, she's hiding it from me on purpose to "not hurt me" I guess. That sort of made me sad. If anything, I would've at least liked some fucking honesty from her, but no. Not a fucking word.

She did basically confirm who it was though. It is the guy from here. I will be seeing him a lot before he leaves in the next 28 days. She told me he was there, met her family and shit (except her dad of course) and was there for a few days (staying at a hotel or something... idk not really paying attention because I became upset). She noticed how I was speaking and asked if I was ok or if something was bothering me. I said, same shit, different day. "oh.." was all she had to say. So since he was the one there, he's the one that "makes her smile" and shit. ugh dude. This is the guy who said her and I would have cute babies.

I got off work a little over an hour ago. Guess who showed up? Ya.. him. He was there. In order to keep up with some sort of normalcy, I went along with some shit. Not to try and see if he'd say anything, because I know he wouldn't since he knows how much I care about her, but to see what would happen. It's bad enough that I have to keep up any sort of facade at work about the house, but this is going overboard. This crosses all borders. Work, social, etc. I can't escape and I need to hide everything. I have to lie. I feel like such a hypocrite when I fucking want to have honest, but can't even be honest with most people. That's besides the point though.

They're hiding it from me though. Everybody that I "hang out" with knows about it and they're hiding it from me.

We were talking about girl a's diet and he said "I'm going to gain like 40 pounds" and girl b says "Well of course you are, you're in love" and a "secret" kick under the table and it was dropped. She said sorry "quietly" and we just kept on with the conversation. I could have brought it up and asked what she meant, but why stir up a problem when there doesn't need to be one? They know about it and are making sure that I stay out of the loop. I'm still guessing to "protect" me, but what would really hurt me worse? Doing it and being upfront about it? Or doing it and then hiding it? I'm already a complete fucking joke at work. I guess I can't even go out to the bars anymore. The only fucking reason I went before was because she wanted to go. She wanted to go somewhere, I was there too. Simple as that. Now, everybody I've met is basically "in" on it and hiding it from me. Essentially saying to me that they don't know how I would handle it since I have the ability to express my anger, disgust, and sadness in a very literary way instead of just going "Grrr" and acting out. I'm a "poet" and therefore some sort of pussy who needs to fucking be babied. I've already gone through brutal honesty and retarded deceit. This is nothing new to me. Stop fucking around. Just tell me that you've made me suffer the same disaster and heartache that I've always had and get on with your fucking day. Stop trying to make it seem like everything is the same and will stay the same as long as you hide it. Just because you put perfume on shit doesn't make it any less like shit.

BTW... the check for her part of the rent never came in the mail. Guess who paid for it just so we didn't have to have any sort of late fee or penalty? Ya. Fuck my life.

[Dillon]

damnit! how do i post a youtube video? lol

Put the word "youtube" in brackets without the parenthesis

[ youtube ]

and then use the video ID found in the embed URL.

< object width="425" height="344" >< param name="movie" value=" http://www.youtube.com/v/l_8yPap-k_s&hl=en_US&fs=1&" >

Then close it with the [ / youtube ] without the spaces.

I hope this can cheer everyone up a little bit:
l_8yPap-k_s&hl=en_US&fs=1&

[tehstucky]

deja vous.

my best friend and a guy i thought i was in love with at the time (turns out it was more of just a crush but who knew, then) did the same thing. i totally know how you feel right now... for me though... i figured it out AFTER i discovered it a lost cause so i didn't react the way i would have if they'd of told me when i was in lala land. but for you... it's obviously a different scenario... you know you're in love with this chick (sorry to say... but i can't see why... doesn't matter i guess)... and what you need to do is be aggressive on this because obviously you're letting people walk all over you... and now it's starting with your friends. not saying go out there and kick some ass... but if you're late on rent because she doesn't have her half... bitch you need to be getting aggressive about that shit or else why is she even living there? you're not her fuckin sugar daddy. you're not responsible for paying her fuckin way through life... step up and get "lippy!" tell it like it is and that asshole of a friend for doing that shit knowing how you feel about her... that's all the same.

adrian... seriously... take some control. you can be depressed and all of that... but you GOTTA stop letting these people treat you like that because you are SO much better than any of them whether you think so or not. we all know you are. and by letting people get away with this shit... it's only making matters worse for you, obviously mentally and financially... and eventually physically if not already.

now if that was me... i'd either TELL her to fork over the money you lended her to pay for her fuckin half of the rent...or do it alaskan style and start pawning her shit till it's an even break.

[Kitty Man]

That last part sounds great, except that 2 weeks before we even got the house I paid 300 dollars to stop her stuff from being auctioned off from her storage unit. -_-

[tehstucky]

Put the word "youtube" in brackets without the parenthesis

[ youtube ]

and then use the video ID found in the embed URL.

< object width="425" height="344" >< param name="movie" value=" http://www.youtube.com/v/l_8yPap-k_s&hl=en_US&fs=1&" >

Then close it with the [ / youtube ] without the spaces.

I hope this can cheer everyone up a little bit:
l_8yPap-k_s&hl=en_US&fs=1&

thank you :D

[tehstucky]

That last part sounds great, except that 2 weeks before we even got the house I paid 300 dollars to stop her stuff from being auctioned off from her storage unit. -_-

yeah i just realized im being hypocritical. so i won't comment anymore and just hope for the best for yah.

[Homiko]

You could always take the stewie approach.

"Bitch, were's mah money?" XD

[Kitty Man]

hahah... It would make an interesting episode of cops. lol

[Kitty Man]

She's been back for 2 days now... and I barely saw her like an hour ago.

I have some major issues or I'm just way WAY too nice. Things weren't "awkward" in a way, but there was something noticeable since she called me out on it.

Something like "You've been acting really weird" and my clueless "Have I? Since when?" answer. She knows something is on my mind. It's weird. As much as I bitch and moan about EVERYTHING we still know each other too well for us to not move a little over it and be ok with each other on some level. Yet she knows that I'm not "the same" as I have been. I guess that's what happens when you spend so much time together though.. Ugh. I'm not sure what's going to happen. I think she gets off work in 2 hours or something. I'll probably not be home again. I'm scared I'll start some shit. >.<

[Kitty Man]

Woot. Been a week and still haven't talked to her. This seems like such an awesome utopia for me. /sarcasm

[Kitty Man]

So it's been like a week and a half and we've only spoken about once or twice. I don't have to worry about running into her at home since she's been staying at her now boyfriend's place. I doubt she'll even show up at the house until he leaves for basic training. Even then, I'm sure his family wouldn't mind her staying while he's gone either.

In order to prevent the power getting shut off, I had to pay her part of the light bill. Yay. Now I'm broke again.

I knew this would happen, but I still did it. I'm not sure why I do this to myself, but oh well. What's done is done.

I am the most amazing person on the planet. It's a shame I'll end up dying alone like this. lol

[Morte]

http://bit.ly/7kF4Yr

[Kitty Man]

hahahaha... wow.. yep

[Homiko]

Do it. Then maybe Morte can beat this whining bullshit out of you. :p Or ya know, get you away from those crazy bitches in Texas.

[Dillon]

Yeah, moving sounds like a good idea.

[Kitty Man]

I hope her new bf gets sent to Afghanistan or something and shot.

For our country of course, but that's just me. :D

[Mythril_Knight]

Do it. Then maybe Morte can beat this whining bullshit out of you. :p Or ya know, get you away from those crazy bitches in Texas.Or teach you how to handle said crazy bitches.

[Morte]

The phrase "upside your head" comes to mind.

[Homiko]

*nods in agreement with morte*

[Kitty Man]

>.<

I am how I am... it's hard for me to break myself out of it.

[Mythril_Knight]

>.<

I am how I am... it's hard for me to break myself out of it.All changes to your personally being are hard to make. No significant changes come within a day.

[Homiko]

Well, I can't say I've ever seen you attempt to break it, KM. But then, I don't talk to you on anything near a regular basis.

[EZE]

kitty Man needs to see different people.

[Kitty Man]

The weird thing is that if we hung out in person, it'd be a completely different experience. I vent while online, so I just come off as a completely whiny bitch. I'm fine with that, but really knowing me is so much different. It's weird.

[Kitty Man]

BTW, I was watching movies with a friend and we watched The Wedding Singer and when this scene came on, I couldn't stop laughing.

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/uKNKVzVAqUk&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/uKNKVzVAqUk&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

[Morte]

I prefer Peter You Suck

<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pB_1t-Vn6Vs&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pB_1t-Vn6Vs&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>

[Morte]

The weird thing is that if we hung out in person, it'd be a completely different experience. I vent while online, so I just come off as a completely whiny bitch. I'm fine with that, but really knowing me is so much different. It's weird.

And see, I like you regardless of the whiny bitchiness, so IRL we'd click.

[Dillon]

Jacob is a pussy in RL.

You guys would probably like him.

[Homiko]

Whiney and weak willed people piss me off. ^_^

Funny, but true: when I ask a particular friend of mine how he is, he answers 'great by your standards, shitty by mine'

[tehstucky]

(there was a vent here)... now there's not! :P

[Kitty Man]

Damn Stucky. That shit is harsh. Like, crazy harsh. :(

[tehstucky]

im gonna delete that last post because this weekend i realized none of it was what i thought

[Dillon]

Wait, what did it say?

[Kitty Man]

Don't worry about it, I guess. hm..

[Dillon]

Yeah, I still would like to know.

[Mythril_Knight]

Yeah, I still would like to know.Husband started thinking about other possibilities and became delusional. Or so stucky thought. Now you are caught up to speed. I especially loved the part where stucky fought against the ninja jedi squirrels.

[Dillon]

Oh man I love ninja jedi squirrels... :[

[frank0127]

did i hear someone mention ninjas and squirrels in the same sentence?

[Mythril_Knight]

did i hear someone mention ninjas and squirrels in the same sentence?I believe you did good sir.

[Dillon]

did i hear someone mention ninjas and squirrels in the same sentence?

Don't forget the JEDI part.